i'm pressing on

school today was relatively short, thursdays are always this way.
however i would have to say the sun has been scortching hot! during P.E. we were made to practice for the 5 PFT items we have to do and also some strengthening. Now i can actually feel muscles which i never thought existed (or at least hasnt been active for a long time). and when i went to change out i could actually see a clear difference between where my tanktop was and what was exposed to the sun. Then we had to practice drill for founders day at 2pm (which meant we skip PC) and the sun was still hot as ever. so now even after a nice bath and a fan blowing at me, i can still feel heat radiating off me.

I think what my bro said yesterday was quite right. there are two sides to you that you might experience, the sinful person and the Godly one. what then decides which of these two people dominates your character? he told me that it is how much of the sinful or the Godly things in life which you are exposed to that decides who you are. which makes alot of sense. i see myself falling from grace over and over again and telling myself sometimes that a grim acceptance of what the masses are doing is the right thing to do, but i dont realise that by doing so i'm only subjecting myself to more sin and more pain. Therefore i have resolved to lead a Godly life, and expose myself to what the scriptures tell me. quiet time today was rather insightful, although my bro wasnt there cause he had to rush off for jap lessons. He left this book before he left for me to use as quiet time material and i must say it really speaks to me. The chapter today was on endurance. "Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will resolve the crown of life", i've been telling myself that quitting is just part of life but this is not what the bible tells me.

Crash through life's obstacles, they are but tissue paper if you have God by your side.

"i'm pressing on" says jon

drawing that line.

just had a conversation with my bro
realise that what he's been through is not really that different from what i'm feeling now
he's great when it comes to rationalising things and figuring out what i'm not seeing and i'm just sorry i didnt get to talk to him earlier.
we've decided to help each other out and do quiet time together. must say its quite an encouragement since its coming from him. the one person i'd never thought would be asking me to do quiet time. find comfort in the fact that he's become someone whom i can look up to. y'know?

sometimes we need to sink a little for us to realise that we can float. well i'm feeling buoyant as ever now. haha. i guess the question i should be asking myself now is where do i go from here.

up, up, up (:

permanantly happy jon

life's life

dad just flared up at me when i told him whats wrong.
i know where he's coming from but i dont think he understands.
i dont know who i can talk to, or whether i'm comfortable talking.
seems like the only way to talk is through this blog.

i'm leading a double life. happy jon versus sad jon.
went to school today wearing the deepest of frowns.
find myself such a hypocrite, its so disgusting.

i'd love to say that everything's better now but its not.
perhaps one day this blog would become jolly again.
today is not that day.

whenever i look at myself i see a deeply troubled soul

jon

two years on, a different jon?

Hello there.
i dont exactly know why i'm blogging again but for some strange reason it just feels like the right time to do so.
Maybe its 'cause i need somewhere to rationalize my thoughts in words, cause i'm kinda clueless now.
or maybe i just need someone out there to understand how i'm feeling now.
we shall never know.

looking back on the last one (and about a quarter) years, there seems to have been so much thats changed.
the fact that this is my last year in the school of red, blue, gold has really started to sink in. questions about what i'm about to do with the next phase of my life are lingering at the back of my head.
the future looks so bleak now, my insecurities have started to haunt me. Much unlike my sec 4 self, full of ambition and anticipation of what lies ahead.
Perhaps i'm thinking too much, but i guess the most plausible explanation to why i'm feeling as such is cause i'm in self-denial. I find myself doubting everything i do, it seems like i'll never be good enough for what the world expects of me, or my own expectations of myself.

and of course there was her. i may act and look like i've gotten over it, i may even have told you that i've moved on. but the honest truth is that it still hurts. it hurts when i see her around and think about how it ended. it hurts when i realise that i still have feelings for her. it hurts when i cant help but think about it and cant talk to people about it (just when i write this part ivan calls and i guess i can talk to some about it) i guess i'm just different from other people, i dont see it as just another fling, i dont see why i should pretend to move on for the sake of acting my age.

its been downhill ever since we broke up, and on account of it being so long since its happened, soon i'll be hitting rock bottom.

ironic thing is how i've always thought that those who cant come to terms with breaking up were fools. look at me now, maybe i'm turning into that fool i've always hated. a fool no one loves and everyone despises. a fool who knows he's a fool. the worst kind.

byebye.
jon